Mayo Thompson is in his study examining a chunk of ambergris. Ambergris is something sperm whales puke up from time to time for I know not the reason. Mayo first learned of the existence of ambergris in Moby Dick and immediately bought himself a piece at great personal expense because he is avant-garde.
His wife enters the study.
'What is that?' She asks. She means the ambergris.
'It's called ambergris.'
'It looks like two-thirds of Shrek's anus.'
Mayo strikes a match over the end of his pipe and sucks the flame into the bowl with a lip smacking sound. A cloud of pale blue smoke: 'It cost £4,200.'
Mayo Thompson's wife dies. Her body makes a dull thump on the carpet. Mayo Thompson approaches her, stands over her body sucking on his pipe. How peculiar. Her eyes have exploded and pink foam is issuing forth from the sockets, running down over her cheeks in writhing serpentine half-coils. It is the first emotion she has shown in years.
The horror is overwhelming, but what can you do? Mayo is asking you this question directly.
The ambergris goes on the shelf, filling a long-vacant space between the purported scalp of a Tibetan yeti (on the left), and a threadbare wanking sock that used to belong to – wait for it – the famous actor Brian Cox (on the right). Sometimes Mayo gets the yeti scalp and the wanking sock mixed up because they look SIMILAR. Imagine what that implies of the wanking sock. Now.
Curios and trinkets on shelves all around the study. And at the centre of it all, a piano, a guitar. The dead wife has mostly stopped bubbling. Then I am alone, thinks Mayo.
Corky's Debt to his Father is one of my favourite ever CDs. It is a 5/5 CD music disc. Please listen to it. Please. Pls.