Sunday, 7 August 2011

Band Review: La Dispute (I’ve only listened to one song).

On page 4 of Sir Alan Sugar’s autobiography, What You See is What You Get: My Autobigraphy, it says: ‘Broken men make the best bodyguards’.

Slight variations of this sentence can, amidst the confusion, fear and boasting, be found throughout the entire book - most notably on pages: 7, 19, 20, 21, 40, 67, 81, 84, 109, 120-135 and 232. He is a man obsessed with personal security, whose morbid fear of assassination is embarrassingly disproportionate to any real value he might have as a target.

On each of the pages listed above, there is a footnote referring the reader to a mysterious appendix that doesn't seem to be part of the book. A small note on the very last page states that the appendix can now only be viewed through Sir Alan Sugar’s website, www.WhatYouSeeisWhatYouGet/, for a nominal fee plus a signed letter saying that you realllllly like him and have always liked him.

Well, I bought the appendix, and what I read in it made me physically ill: once in the toilet, once down the back of a warm radiator and, just when I thought I was snapping out of it, all over my beanie baby collection (I like to think of it more as a village).

The appendix relates a number of techniques in ‘Soul Reclamation’. Normal men may be converted into powerful and obedient servants, who fear neither pain nor death. The text is broken up by strange renaissance-style drawings of fantastic machines marked with occultish symbols and operated by animal-headed homunculi. Semi-naked nymphs dripping blood from weeping lattices of lash wounds dance around the borders of each page in what seem to be drug-induced fevers of sexual arousal. It is horrible - it is really, really horrible. Don’t look at it. It will ruin you. DO NOT LOOK AT IT.

La Dispute looked at it…

They didn’t understand most of what they saw, but they did take away a method in which nerds can be provoked into fuming verbal outbursts by nothing more than a few shrill pipes of a modified dog whistle (Sugar terms the device ‘What you see is what you get: my nerve-shredding nerd whistle’).

That’s their vocals that is: recorded nerd rage. La Dispute's, I mean.

The singer’s vocabulary seems heavily flavoured by Magica (fantasy card game) and the film The Crow. At times his voice sounds like a cracked goose honk, and at other times like he is trying to conduct Viking rage through a larynx shrunk to half its natural size by the deleterious physiological effects of girl proximity adrenaline.

Musically speaking: Kerrang!

That’s all I really wanted to say.

You can view my music journalism credentials by sending me £5 and a letter saying you like me.


  1. That's Lord Sugar to you mush.

    Don't know about their music, but the one on the right is quite cute. And the one next to him, come to that.

  2. Need new reviews.

    A couple of candidates deserving of the Tea Splash Treatment:

    Lana Del Rey
    Laura Marling