Friday, 25 March 2011

Album Review: Vincent Nifigance - The Shambolic Fuzz-Pop Extraordinary

At some point in the past, Noel Edmonds’s anteater-head penis will have stood up at a 45 degree angle (as if sniffing for predators) and, driven by a horrible groaning orgasm, shot a long string of yellowish semen out of its snout. Most of that semen, like most of his previous semen, would have plastered the inside of the £250,000 deal or no deal box, but some of it might have dripped down between the floorboards and onto a forgotten copy of Fievel goes West (VHS) in the basement. There would be some sort of weird chemical reaction involving lightning in the shape of a skull - and the cartoon mice would have entered our reality.

Living now as a small colony of meek, beleaguered dimension immigrants, the cartoon mice of Fievel goes West learn to hate Edmonds through noises conducted down to them in the basement via the plumbing: they hear his loud, unfunny jokes, which, at times, reverberate and echo around them for several hours after he has left the house. The mice grow bitterly resentful and appalled.

One day, a toddler is thrown down into the basement to die a slow death. The cartoon mice pity the boy and treat his many bite marks and beard burns. They raise him with love and Rio lite, referring to him first as 'The Man-child', then later as Vincent Nifigance. He learns about music by listening to a compilation CD consisting of The Microphones, R. Stevie Moore and the Cribs covering Jake Thackray songs (and visa-versa).

Eventually Vincent begins making his own music: he writes slightly plaintive and indirect protest songs about the legal crimes that Noel Edmonds commits daily, and of the countless love affairs that the man has ruined with his loud, unfunny jokes.

The songs enter the plumbing through the same pipes that carried Edmonds's voice down to the basement. They resonate quietly up throughout the house and, due to a freak acoustic effect, are greatly amplified in the pink seashell sink in the en suite bathroom. Edmonds’s signed Red Baron poster slowly peels away from the strangely vibrating bedroom wall and floats out of the window to be turned to mush by the million wheels of the M6 motorway. Noel wakes from a nap just in time to see it happen. He cries tears of bird poo.

The Shambolic Fuzz-Pop Extraordinary is a recording of the eleven songs that indirectly made Noel Edmonds cry tears of bird poo after echoing up the plug hole of his pink seashell sink. It is good. You can listen to it here:

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