Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Single review: Darwin Deez - Radar Detector

Chapter 1 (Darwin origins)

Darwin Deez’s grandfather once ate some of Adolf Hitler’s hair for a bet during a vodka-soaked poker evening in Reykjavik. He won the bet and thought nothing more of it. But, unknown to him, his apparent victory had come at a terrible, terrible cost: pure evil had attached itself with tiny claws to some deep and hidden place within the labyrinth of his genome. The evil was passed on to Darwin’s father who, tormented from a young age by unspeakable nightmares of a grey-faced witch, developed a number of personality disorders. One of these disorders saw him enter into a consummated relationship with a small stuffed Elmo (Sesame Street) toy.

Everyone but Darwin’s father - by now completely mad - was shocked into echolalia when it became clear that Elmo was pregnant. Elmo gave birth to Darwin at midnight on Halloween of 1982, but died shortly after from the most complicated complications that any of the staff at the hippy commune had ever seen (Elmo had no vagina, no reproductive organs, no circulatory system, and no brain…just four moist handfuls of yellowing cotton wool and a malfunctioning electronic voice box).

Darwin’s father, cursed to raise his child alone, became morbidly overprotective of the boy. Worried that Darwin was not physically maturing at a rate comparable to his classmates, he started his son on an intensive course of hormone therapy. For the following six years Darwin greedily slurped nourishing, creamy hormones out of small containers resembling tiny metal yoghurt pots - never once missing a dose. He slurped until his nipples sprouted isolated and unnaturally long, wirey hairs; he slurped until his brains went soft.

Shortly after his brains went soft, Darwin decided to constantly dress like a Welsh athlete from the 1984 Olympic games who had been stranded on a desert island for about three weeks with only two packets of crisps to eat, and only one of those table tennis paddles with a rubber ball attached via a length of elastic for company.

Chapter 2 (the review) coming soon.
Please Note: I made all of this up. None of it is real. Do not sue me or send me bullets in the post.

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